Home Away From Home

The last three weeks the bonus word on my student's spelling test has been the same. A very important name, a name in which I get numerous papers addressed to each week. 

Mrs. McEwen

(All capitals and punctuations must be placed and written correctly for full credit.)

For the first week we practiced just pronouncing it. I went from Mrs. McQueen to just plain Mrs. M. But after receiving a beautiful bracelet with my name spelled "mueken" I figured it was time we transition from pronunciation to spelling. 

*Although she did forewarn me she was out of c's and w's and those were her last two e's so if I could not lose them it would be greatly appreciated* 

But today, it finally happened. 

When desired for my attention to a question I was addressed as mom. 

Before a correction could be made, before cheeks could become rosey, and the thought of 'oh my gosh did I just call my teacher mom' could set in, I responded almost too swiftly and innocently when I countered with "I am so happy you called me that!"

I wrapped that little student of mine up in my arms partially to ensure there was no need for embarrassment but almost entirely because that's the first time I have ever heard myself referred to, or mistaken for, a mom. 

Packing my things away I was reflecting back on this particular event when I looked up to see 28 empty chairs.  I suddenly realized I'm not just Mrs. McEwen. I'm not just another word on their spelling test or added phrase to their vocabulary. 

I, am their home away from home. 

Back in July we finished our last treatment. 

Having followed through 8 procedures and all results coming back negative my doctor placed me in a new classification: unexplained infertility. 

Simply there is no interpretation as to why these treatments were not taking. My body was responding, Dallin's body was responding, the procedures were flawless, but no baby. On every end of the spectrum everyone was doing their very best to deliver us success. But it just didn't happen.

 Since then we have decided it would be best for us to pause treatments, save financially, and prepare mentally for the IVF Hail Mary in our future. 

One early morning last week as I was walking out to my car I felt impressed to listen to a General Conference talk on my commute. I pulled up my app and began scrolling through when I found myself unbalanced getting into my car and dropped my phone. When I picked it up, the October 2011 session was opened. I scrolled to find a talk related to my classroom when I saw Neil L Andersen's Saturday afternoon talk titled Children.

As I listened to him address the sensitive subject of the bearing of children I found myself faultlessly buried in the arms of my Savior. 

"We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair—especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: “Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of  parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, as they keep the covenants they have made with God.”

When I arrived in the parking lot that morning, tears rolling down my cheeks, I thanked my Father in Heaven for having answered my daily prayer 

and then almost immediately, 

thanked Him for the 28 individual blessings I had also been given as an answer to the burning prayer that has been in my heart for the last year. 

I believe it was no blooper that I unconsciously exclaimed happiness before correcting or even acknowledging there was a mistake made today when my student addressed me as mom. 

Since that sacred experience of feeling the Lord's love for me I have recognized His had in my classroom on more than one occasion. I know without a doubt each of the 28 bodies that encompass my room with their uniquely special and innocent personalities were hand picked and placed in the classroom for me. 

As much as they need me, I need them.  

We have developed a very safe and tender atmosphere to learn and grow together in. In my prayers at night, and when I wake, I pray for each of my students by name. I ask for blessing for their needs, guidance to help understand them, and I always ask that I be led by the spirit to show them always just how much I love them- in a way that only a mother can love her children. 

I am grateful for the faith I have been able to accumulate throughout this journey to starting a family. I know my Heavenly Father knows me by name and He hears my prayers. I am debt fully grateful that He sent his Son Jesus Christ to the Earth to atone for our sins, our imperfections, and our weaknesses. I know that through His atoning sacrifice, and through our obedience to the covenants we have made with God, Dallin and I will rejoice in parenthood, whether it be in this mortality or in the eternities.  

All my love, 

-Mrs. McEwen