"Clearly there would be little trial of faith if we received our full reward immediately for every good deed, or immediate retribution for every sin," - Ezra Taft Benson
I never do the new years resolution thing, simply because it always seems to involve cutting out Diet Coke and that only buys me one week and I surrender. So this year I decided on something a little more attainable. In 2015 (and years to come) I chose to embrace the verb, thank you.
A few weekends ago I heard about a mom who built a new home with a beautiful backyard where many will flock for wedding receptions, dinner parties, and family gatherings. When she was teased about how many people were going to be nagging her about using her backyard her response turned into a teaching moment, "I am grateful for this beautiful new yard and all the potential it has, but what I know is, it is not mine. It was a blessing given to me through the line from my Heavenly Father and the best way to thank Him is through sharing."
Almost 1 year ago, I was given my new backyard. It did not come in the form of beauty nor was it conventional, but instead a blessing in disguise that I can not think of any other way to give thanks for, than through sharing.
From early April to the end of November we waited, I visited doctors, and we waited some more for results that we were hopeful to lead us to beginning our family. Between those 8 months we were lucky enough to have been able to have a summer of travel, family, and even celebrated a late honeymoon. It was easy to get distracted, unless late at night and I had bought yet another test just to see only 1 pink line. Every. Single. time.
We were left with nothing my OB could do for us and referred over to the Utah Fertility Clinic. We thought, no big deal the specialist would have the 'I've seen a hundred cases such as yours take this magic potion' experience and off we would go. Boy were we in for a rude awakening.
December 14th around 11:30 at night we quickly ran over to Dallin's office to print off the packet that is -I'm not kidding- 25 pages long to bring with us at our appointment. We were pleasantly surprised to see Michael (his brother-in-law, former employer) with his brother Matt both in town looking around the office. I went into panic mode hiding every sheet that came out from the printer hoping no one would see while Dallin was quick to distract them talking business. Trying to cover up printing 25 sheets of paper as a study guide for my elementary education major was totally unbelievable but some how I still managed a few sympathy- that sucks, I don't miss college at all- comments which I felt were almost appropriate to both topics? Any who, we said our good bye's and went on home to prep for the next morning.
December 15th we were checked in and introduced on first name basis's with anyone and everyone who worked in the office. I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable, after-all this was supposed to just be a quick one time visit and never would we have to come back again. We finally met with my new doctor and discussed my timeline, my symptoms, possible causes, and different treatments. Information overload. She wanted to run a few tests to investigate possible theories. I had an ultrasound done and then was sent down to their other office to do a hysterosalpingogram- go ahead and look that guy up on wikipedia. Leaving the first office we were both pretty quiet just staring at the 12 pamphlets we received about all the treatments, payment plans, adoption, you name it we had a pamphlet for it. Except, again this was a one time visit so most likely they would all go into the trash once we got home.
As we pulled up to the next appointment Dallin got a text from his office saying he needed to call immediately. After a few suspicious text messages received during the drive I told him I would be fine to go back alone and to make the call.
If you looked up what a hysterosalpingogram is you would know I WAS NOT FINE ALONE.
Waddling my way out to the waiting room I could see Dallin in the car. I slumped in and asserted pedal to the medal so I could get back in time to take my hardest final of the semester also scheduled that afternoon. He got off the phone and I began to tell him the process in which I was violated, injected, and just plain bullied with, when he quietly presented the news his office had been shut down, all employees were being let go, effective immediately.
The day after Christmas early morning I got a phone call with the results. I was diagnosed with PCOS- Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The one stop shop no longer existed. Instead I was given more first names, more information, and more appointments. Later that afternoon as I was proceeding on with the day, I experienced a paralyzing feeling- I was going to need my Savior more than ever.
January 5th I started infertility treatments.
In the last few weeks I've have a lot of time to reflect. My mind seems to be constantly focused on what count day we are on, which medicine do I take, what class can I miss to make an appointment and how on earth are we going to afford to keep this up? Not only is the process complicated, but trying to keep it a secret is even harder. Once I began sharing with a few very close family and friends I saw my bearings shift from a trial, to a blessing.
Dallin received a new job the very evening we thought our entire source of income was cut off. We were able to spend two paid weeks away from school, work, and life to be in every moment with our families. We received a new computer that replaced mine that had crashed a few weeks prior to finals saving us hundreds of dollars- hundreds of dollars that have put us through treatments, paid for medications, and saved us in tough months. We chose a home with two bedrooms hopeful one room would be filled with a crib and sweet small spirit occupying the space and instead the room has been utilized to house family and friends in times of their needs and times when we needed them. I have doctors who are brilliant, who are positive and resourceful. We can feel the love pouring for us in more directions than one. We have seen our prayers answered.
I was given a situation where I truly need my Savior every hour. This in no way was where I pictured my life at 22 years old, but when I aligned my will with the Lords, I was given a calling to bear. It has not been easy and nor do I expect the burdens to be lightened, but what I know is it will shape me into the women I was sent here to be.
D&C: 121
7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;
8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.
I know whole heartedly that I stood at the gates of heaven, hand in hand with my eternal companion, in the presence of Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. I chose this life, I chose to endure this trial, I chose to come anyways because the greater joys would once again appear as I returned faithfully back to their presence.
I long to start our family, for children and to be given the holy title of a mother. But for now, I will learn patience, I will exalt faith and I will share what I know to be true. I know my Father in heaven is intimately aware of my thoughts, my wants, and my heart. I am grateful for this trial of faith, for the absence of the immediate reward to starting an eternal family. I am grateful for the Gospel, and I am grateful for the love our family and friends have given to us and will continue to show through this process. May we never forget to call upon the Lord in times of triumph and in times of sorrow.
He is always there. He is very aware.
He is always there. He is very aware.
All my love,
Alyssa
