Home Away From Home

The last three weeks the bonus word on my student's spelling test has been the same. A very important name, a name in which I get numerous papers addressed to each week. 

Mrs. McEwen

(All capitals and punctuations must be placed and written correctly for full credit.)

For the first week we practiced just pronouncing it. I went from Mrs. McQueen to just plain Mrs. M. But after receiving a beautiful bracelet with my name spelled "mueken" I figured it was time we transition from pronunciation to spelling. 

*Although she did forewarn me she was out of c's and w's and those were her last two e's so if I could not lose them it would be greatly appreciated* 

But today, it finally happened. 

When desired for my attention to a question I was addressed as mom. 

Before a correction could be made, before cheeks could become rosey, and the thought of 'oh my gosh did I just call my teacher mom' could set in, I responded almost too swiftly and innocently when I countered with "I am so happy you called me that!"

I wrapped that little student of mine up in my arms partially to ensure there was no need for embarrassment but almost entirely because that's the first time I have ever heard myself referred to, or mistaken for, a mom. 

Packing my things away I was reflecting back on this particular event when I looked up to see 28 empty chairs.  I suddenly realized I'm not just Mrs. McEwen. I'm not just another word on their spelling test or added phrase to their vocabulary. 

I, am their home away from home. 

Back in July we finished our last treatment. 

Having followed through 8 procedures and all results coming back negative my doctor placed me in a new classification: unexplained infertility. 

Simply there is no interpretation as to why these treatments were not taking. My body was responding, Dallin's body was responding, the procedures were flawless, but no baby. On every end of the spectrum everyone was doing their very best to deliver us success. But it just didn't happen.

 Since then we have decided it would be best for us to pause treatments, save financially, and prepare mentally for the IVF Hail Mary in our future. 

One early morning last week as I was walking out to my car I felt impressed to listen to a General Conference talk on my commute. I pulled up my app and began scrolling through when I found myself unbalanced getting into my car and dropped my phone. When I picked it up, the October 2011 session was opened. I scrolled to find a talk related to my classroom when I saw Neil L Andersen's Saturday afternoon talk titled Children.

As I listened to him address the sensitive subject of the bearing of children I found myself faultlessly buried in the arms of my Savior. 

"We cannot always explain the difficulties of our mortality. Sometimes life seems very unfair—especially when our greatest desire is to do exactly what the Lord has commanded. As the Lord’s servant, I assure you that this promise is certain: “Faithful members whose circumstances do not allow them to receive the blessings of  parenthood in this life will receive all promised blessings in the eternities, as they keep the covenants they have made with God.”

When I arrived in the parking lot that morning, tears rolling down my cheeks, I thanked my Father in Heaven for having answered my daily prayer 

and then almost immediately, 

thanked Him for the 28 individual blessings I had also been given as an answer to the burning prayer that has been in my heart for the last year. 

I believe it was no blooper that I unconsciously exclaimed happiness before correcting or even acknowledging there was a mistake made today when my student addressed me as mom. 

Since that sacred experience of feeling the Lord's love for me I have recognized His had in my classroom on more than one occasion. I know without a doubt each of the 28 bodies that encompass my room with their uniquely special and innocent personalities were hand picked and placed in the classroom for me. 

As much as they need me, I need them.  

We have developed a very safe and tender atmosphere to learn and grow together in. In my prayers at night, and when I wake, I pray for each of my students by name. I ask for blessing for their needs, guidance to help understand them, and I always ask that I be led by the spirit to show them always just how much I love them- in a way that only a mother can love her children. 

I am grateful for the faith I have been able to accumulate throughout this journey to starting a family. I know my Heavenly Father knows me by name and He hears my prayers. I am debt fully grateful that He sent his Son Jesus Christ to the Earth to atone for our sins, our imperfections, and our weaknesses. I know that through His atoning sacrifice, and through our obedience to the covenants we have made with God, Dallin and I will rejoice in parenthood, whether it be in this mortality or in the eternities.  

All my love, 

-Mrs. McEwen

"Don't You Quit"

Happy National Infertility Week! 

(A little bit of how BYU cheer prepared me for infertility)

“Generally speaking, the most miserable people I know are those who are obsessed with themselves; the happiest people I know are those who lose themselves in the service of others…By and large, I have come to see that if we complain about life, it is because we are thinking only of ourselves.” 

-President Gordon B. Hinckley

At the end of every week the words I dreaded most coming from coach always followed the last 10 minutes of practice: 

"Tuck check!" 

Most of the time for me throwing a back tuck meant throwing up a prayer.

One day when I was working on that dreadful tuck a team mate of mine, who along the edge of the mat watched me struggle to pick myself back up, suggested I start praying for mastery. I had been struggling the entire season to complete a back tuck and everyone knew it.

I went home that night and bore my heart and soul out to Heavenly Father begging and craving for help to just land my tucks. Every morning before practice I pleaded, every evening before bed I advocated. If I could just land those tucks I would do anything!

I sat out two games in a row before I started letting myself think they must have made a mistake putting me on this team because clearly the improvement was not happening. I had felt very strongly going into try outs that it was exactly where I needed to be, that the Lord was pleased with my decision and efforts so why was I failing so miserably? 

Over the course of a few more weeks I realized it wasn't about the back tuck. Being a part of this incredibly talented cheer team wasn't about my tumbling or stunting skills, in fact it wasn't about me at all. 

The truth is I wasn't there to be a stand out cheerleader. I wasn't there for the uniform or the pom-poms. I was there to learn how to be a light of Christ and along the way, He would bless me with people I would need in my life and experiences that I may never have known otherwise. 

I was reminded of this profound lesson I learned as I reflected on an answer when I was asked a few weeks ago "How are you doing?"

I think I confuse a few people when I respond with the counter that I'm in fact doing great! My life is not about PCOS. It is not about infertility and my battle with pregnancy, in fact 

it shouldn't be about me at all. 

A lesson about motherhood that I need to pray for mastery.

As I've found myself down on my knees pleading to the Father, I've seen myself back on the sidelines, watching my friends performing and entertaining 63,000 people. There is no thrill quite like being tossed up in the air with one hand getting a crowd to rise and shout. Just as I am sure there is no such joy as welcoming a new life into the world. 

I may have never been able to perfect a back tuck but I never stopped trying because stopping trying meant I was willing to give up all the other wonderful and significant blessings that would make way through being a part of BYU cheer.

Either 12:27 

And if men come unto me I will show unto them their weakness. I give unto men weakness that they may be humble; and my grace is sufficient for all men that humble themselves before me; for if they humble themselves before me, and have faith in me, then will I make weak things become strong unto them. 

When you choose to stop trying you're choosing to let your weakness stay weak. As I have had the courage to share my story, I have physically and emotionally been able to see the significant blessings I would be giving up if I stopped trying. If I let infertility stay a weakness than the many hands that reached out in my behalf to share stories both of success and sorrow would be meaningless. The endless acts of service and love both given and received would be non-existent. I've communicated with a number of women I recently have been connected with through our commonality of infertility. I have been able to lend a hand when necessary and I have learned how to let others serve and uplift me. Had I not asked the Lord for help in making it through my trial, I would have never found the strength I rely on today. 

“Don't you quit. You keep walking, you keep trying, there is help and happiness ahead. Some blessings come soon. Some come late. Some don't come until heaven. But for those who embrace the gospel of Jesus Christ, they come. It will be alright in the end. Trust God and believe in Good Things to Come.”-Jeffrey R. Holland

If you know someone going through infertility, take a moment to reach out to them this week and encourage them to keep trying- whatever that may mean.

He is always there. He is very aware

All my love, 

Alyssa 

A Calling To Bear

"Clearly there would be little trial of faith if we received our full reward immediately for every good deed, or immediate retribution for every sin," - Ezra Taft Benson

I never do the new years resolution thing, simply because it always seems to involve cutting out Diet Coke and that only buys me one week and I surrender. So this year I decided on something a little more attainable. In 2015 (and years to come) I chose to embrace the verb, thank you.

A few weekends ago I heard about a mom who built a new home with a beautiful backyard where many will flock for wedding receptions, dinner parties, and family gatherings. When she was teased about how many people were going to be nagging her about using her backyard her response turned into a teaching moment, "I am grateful for this beautiful new yard and all the potential it has, but what I know is, it is not mine. It was a blessing given to me through the line from my Heavenly Father and the best way to thank Him is through sharing." 

Almost 1 year ago, I was given my new backyard. It did not come in the form of beauty nor was it conventional, but instead a blessing in disguise that I can not think of any other way to give thanks for, than through sharing. 

From early April to the end of November we waited, I visited doctors, and we waited some more for results that we were hopeful to lead us to beginning our family. Between those 8 months we were lucky enough to have been able to have a summer of travel, family, and even celebrated a late honeymoon. It was easy to get distracted, unless late at night and I had bought yet another test just to see only 1 pink line. Every. Single. time. 

We were left with nothing my OB could do for us and referred over to the Utah Fertility Clinic. We thought, no big deal the specialist would have the 'I've seen a hundred cases such as yours take this magic potion' experience and off we would go. Boy were we in for a rude awakening. 

December 14th around 11:30 at night we quickly ran over to Dallin's office to print off the packet that is -I'm not kidding- 25 pages long to bring with us at our appointment. We were pleasantly surprised to see Michael (his brother-in-law, former employer) with his brother Matt both in town looking around the office. I went into panic mode hiding every sheet that came out from the printer hoping no one would see while Dallin was quick to distract them talking business. Trying to cover up printing 25 sheets of paper as a study guide for my elementary education major was totally unbelievable but some how I still managed a few sympathy- that sucks, I don't miss college at all- comments which I felt were almost appropriate to both topics? Any who, we said our good bye's and went on home to prep for the next morning. 

December 15th we were checked in and introduced on first name basis's with anyone and everyone who worked in the office. I couldn't help but feel a little uncomfortable, after-all this was supposed to just be a quick one time visit and never would we have to come back again. We finally met with my new doctor and discussed my timeline, my symptoms, possible causes, and different treatments. Information overload. She wanted to run a few tests to investigate possible theories. I had an ultrasound done and then was sent down to their other office to do a hysterosalpingogram- go ahead and look that guy up on wikipedia. Leaving the first office we were both pretty quiet just staring at the 12 pamphlets we received about all the treatments, payment plans, adoption, you name it we had a pamphlet for it. Except, again this was a one time visit so most likely they would all go into the trash once we got home.

 As we pulled up to the next appointment Dallin got a text from his office saying he needed to call immediately. After a few suspicious text messages received during the drive I told him I would be fine to go back alone and to make the call. 

If you looked up what a  hysterosalpingogram is you would know I WAS NOT FINE ALONE. 

Waddling my way out to the waiting room I could see Dallin in the car. I slumped in and asserted pedal to the medal so I could get back in time to take my hardest final of the semester also scheduled that afternoon. He got off the phone and I began to tell him the process in which I was violated, injected, and just plain bullied with, when he quietly presented the news his office had been shut down, all employees were being let go, effective immediately. 

The day after Christmas early morning I got a phone call with the results. I was diagnosed with PCOS- Poly-Cystic Ovarian Syndrome. The one stop shop no longer existed. Instead I was given more first names, more information, and more appointments. Later that afternoon as I was proceeding on with the day, I experienced a paralyzing feeling- I was going to need my Savior more than ever. 

 January 5th I started infertility treatments. 

In the last few weeks I've have a lot of time to reflect. My mind seems to be constantly focused on what count day we are on, which medicine do I take, what class can I miss to make an appointment and how on earth are we going to afford to keep this up? Not only is the process complicated, but trying to keep it a secret is even harder. Once I began sharing with a few very close family and friends I saw my bearings shift from a trial, to a blessing. 

Dallin received a new job the very evening we thought our entire source of income was cut off. We were able to spend two paid weeks away from school, work, and life to be in every moment with our families. We received a new computer that replaced mine that had crashed a few weeks prior to finals saving us hundreds of dollars- hundreds of dollars that have put us through treatments, paid for medications, and saved us in tough months. We chose a home with two bedrooms hopeful one room would be filled with a crib and sweet small spirit occupying the space and instead the room has been utilized to house family and friends in times of their needs and times when we needed them. I have doctors who are brilliant, who are positive and resourceful. We can feel the love pouring for us in more directions than one. We have seen our prayers answered.

I was given a situation where I truly need my Savior every hour. This in no way was where I pictured my life at 22 years old, but when I aligned my will with the Lords, I was given a calling to bear. It has not been easy and nor do I expect the burdens to be lightened, but what I know is it will shape me into the women I was sent here to be. 

D&C: 121

7 My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment;

8 And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.

I know whole heartedly that I stood at the gates of heaven, hand in hand with my eternal companion, in the presence of Heavenly Father and His son Jesus Christ. I chose this life, I chose to endure this trial, I chose to come anyways because the greater joys would once again appear as I returned faithfully back to their presence.

I long to start our family, for children and to be given the holy title of a mother. But for now, I will learn patience, I will exalt faith and I will share what I know to be true. I know my Father in heaven is intimately aware of my thoughts, my wants, and my heart. I am grateful for this trial of faith, for the absence of the immediate reward to starting an eternal family. I am grateful for the Gospel, and I am grateful for the love our family and friends have given to us and will continue to show through this process. May we never forget to call upon the Lord in times of triumph and in times of sorrow.
  He is always there. He is very aware. 

All my love, 

Alyssa